I say this because I can confirm after a week packed with dinners and lunches – one pretty much liquid – that it is indeed the cruellest month on the calendar. But one upshot of giving networking a shot has been that I have gained knowledge about the kind of people a fashionable host invites to such HNI – High Networking Individuals – gatherings. Some of the same guests I saw across the dozen gatherings over the last six days clearly ranked high in PQ – Party Quotient. Anyone below 5 on the PQI shouldn’t really be there.
Locked & Loaded Being wealthy, especially wealthier than the other gathered wealthies, always gives a premium entry. Subtle (sic) expositions on the short holiday in Mallorca – ‘We watched the sea food swimming right next to us’ – adds to one’s net worth. (PQI 6)
Looks, Who’s Here Turning heads is one prime requirement in an HNI gathering. But being a headturner by one’s sheer good looks – the hours at the salon can’t hurt – gets easy, valuable PQ points, especially as faces start to blur. (5)
Arm Candyman A corollary to the high PQ goodlooker is the guest who comes with a plus-1 who is a vision. This category is gender neutral, although chances of a bumptious billionaire with a belle of the ball is more likely than an inheritrix with a date who’s a Tiger Shroff lookalike – or Tiger Shroff. (7)
Age This ain’t just about looks and glowing skin and slick, jet black hair – or even having hair. Youth brings a premium ingenuousness to the table, even a brashness that the oldies lack, and secretly are jealous of. Ah, youth. So many opinions, so much time. (5) Professional rep Having the creme de la creme of various professions under one roof can blow the roof off any HNI hoedown. A reputed central banker here and a cutting edge oncologist there will make Old McDonald’s soiree much more valuable indeed. (5) Wise Up ‘Brains’ is the exotic party chip. An Ivy Leaguer or an Oxbridger in the top echelons can be a conversation starter, middler and fueller of table talk right till the end. One Nobel laureate can make the most ordinary round of canapes being served taste, well, smarter. (7)
What’s Your Story? The raconteur – not the boring ones who are too linear for get-togethers of real lineage, but the rollicking story-teller – is the theatrical epicentre of any do. Put one on the sofa and watch other guests with glasses in hand gravitate towards him or her like Netflix producers to Stephen King. (6)
Spirited Show In all the materialistic bonhomie, having a spiritual master plonked somewhere under the mood lights brings the perfect counterpoint to the evening. Listening to wise aphorisms like ‘The tree is only a branch until it either blossoms or turns into a paper bag’ will be like mental gift bags for guests to take home. (7)
Gaana Slinger And there’s high PQ in that noted chanteuse, who, just when everyone is getting frisky, breaks into a gorgeous ghazal, or even ‘Greensleeves’ if the setting is more westernised. This isn’t your regular tipsy troubadour, but a class act – ensuring that no one else will join in, but nod languorously. (5)
Emcee of MCBC The deliverer of dirty jokes will confirm the high worth of a party. He – it’s a rare find if it’s a she – that it’s a gathering of high-class adults who know their erotica from their pornography. ‘A blonde, Elon Musk and a semiconductor chip walk into a bar…’ The rest as they say is raucous laughter in a dignified place. (10)
You may rightfully ask now how I managed to find myself (PQI 2) in all these chi-chi do’s, even as I literally tick none of the above boxes. My presence – perhaps unfortunate for both parties (hosts and myself, the guest) – can’t be put down to being high on the PQI, but because I gatecrashed every single one of them.
