‘Ukraine, Gaza, climate, and voters be blowed,’ said Babu No 1. ‘We’ve no time to worry about such trivial matters when we’re facing a crisis that threatens our existence.’
‘Tell me all,’ urged Raju, ‘Perhaps I can help.’
‘A management organisation‘s report says to do business, India Inc must navigate 1,536 Acts, rules, and regulations, 69,233 compliances, and 6,618 annual filings. It’s terrible. It shows we’re not doing our jobs, and might have to opt for VRS,’ said Babu No. 2 despondently.
‘I can see why you’re worried and feel you’re not doing your jobs. Those figures show that sir-jees aren’t pulling your weight and may well have to take VRS.’
‘There’s more,’ said Babu No. 1 gloomily. ‘The study goes on to clarify that the number of Acts, rules, regulations, compliances and annual filings, don’t apply to all commercial enterprises across the board, but vary depending on the nature of the business, its geographical location and reach, and the number of employees on its payroll.”It also shows that no less than 30.1% of the applicable rules and regulations come under the single head of ‘labour’, as do 47% of compliances, 46% of filings, and 68% of provisions that carry clauses for imprisonment,’ chipped in Babu No. 2.’I’m sorry to say, but these numbers prove that you’ve been less than diligent in pursuing your duties. We must do something to improve these numbers,’ said Raju.
‘We agree, and that’s why the two of us are sitting here, wondering how to bring down all these humongous numbers of Acts, rules, regulations, and compliances, not to mention annual filings,’ said Babu No. 1.
Raju’s eyebrows shot up in astonishment, as did the tea glasses on the tray he was carrying. ‘Bring down the numbers of Acts, rules, regulations, compliances, not to mention annual filings?’ he exclaimed. ‘I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood the crux of the matter, sir-jees. Far from bringing down all these numbers, you’ve got to boost them up. That’s what’s expected of you as babus, Grade IIIC, in the ministry of dhandabaji,’ he said, with a verbal flourish equivalent to a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat.
It was the babus’ turn to be astonished. ‘Add to the numbers of Acts, rules, regulations, and compliances, not to mention the annual filings?’ they gasped in unison. ‘How’s that going to help promote ease of doing business?’
‘Never mind ease of doing business,’ corrected Raju. ‘Your objective should be to promote the wheeze of doing business. As in, how many new wheezes can you come up with, which will result in the creation of more and more businesses in the form of all manner of legal and financial consultancies, advisory agencies, and what-have-yous specialising in disentangling the gobbledygook of babudom for the primary lot of businesses, and then those second set of consultancy and advisory businesses will in turn need a third set of businesses…’
‘We get it!’ chorused the babus, cutting him short. ‘What a brilliant idea — the wheeze of doing business, which results in ever more businesses, which means ad infinitum babudom. Red tape zindabad!’
‘You are a very my dear fellow of a genius,’ said Babu No. 1.
‘You truly are,’ concurred Babu No. 2. ‘How would you like to be promoted to Head Babu, Grade IA?’
‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ Raju replied. ‘I’ve set my sights somewhat higher. Tea boys have a way of finding a career path that leads to the most unexpected of places…’
