The question I am a woman in my 30s and I notice I can find conversation unfulfilling. When I am with new people, I find myself either having a bit of commentary in my head or doing lots of listening to their problems, as they might overshare things and I feel as if they are dumping on me. Such conversation feels unsatisfactory. This is not a feeling I get with older friends, where sharing and turn-taking is mostly natural and comfortable.
I notice that on dates someone might tell me anecdotes and I feel they aren’t connecting with me – sometimes a man will describe to me the plot of a film and I might be feeling desperately bored and be longing to be asked a question about myself or have a bit of back and forth about what is happening in the present moment. Do I have to push through that bit until I get to the comfortable conversation and parity stage?
I find it easy and enjoyable to meet and talk to people in shops, on the bus, etc, and count it as a real pleasure in my life. But, on the other hand, I often feel I must make reassuring noises as people sometimes start talking about quite heavy, difficult things. For example, I met a woman today for the first time and she started telling me about the problems in her marriage and with her teenage son. I felt a bit trapped. I think I would have preferred to have a more surface-level conversation. Especially as I don’t think I will see her again. I wonder if I find it hard to take up space in conversation so get other people talking instead. I’d appreciate your insights and advice.
Philippa’s answer I have a mischievous friend who is never bored at parties. Their trick is to always take two drinks. If they fall into a conversation with someone they find engaging, they share the extra drink with that person, if, on the other hand, they find themselves feeling bored, they excuse themselves and say they need to get this drink to somebody else. Of course, I cannot condone such duplicitous behaviour!
I think you are doing well. You don’t sound as though you are self-conscious – the usual stumbling block when it comes to connecting with new people. It’s more that you get bored when someone doesn’t interest you. Not all people are our people and that’s OK. It’s great that you want more from your conversations with new people, but you’re not obliged to serve as a counsellor or listen to irrelevant anecdotes. By setting boundaries, practising taking your own space and seeking out people who can relate to you rather than talk at you, your encounters may become more rewarding.
So how do we do that? When you feel that the other person is taking up too much space, take some back for yourself. Share what’s on your mind, perhaps share some of that commentary that’s going on in your head. To the woman who told you all her problems with her husband and son, you could even say, if it is true for you, “Wow, this is too much too soon for me!” Or, if you’d prefer to be more tactful, you could try steering to a new subject with something like: “Gosh, you are going through a lot, I hope things get better. Try watching Couples Therapy with Orna Guralnik. It’s a great series. I’m looking for a new thing to stream next, any recommendations?” It might bring things to an embarrassing juddering halt, but that might be less tedious than the feeling of being dumped on.
To the unsatisfactory dates, you can share what’s happening for you, too. For example: “I feel I’m being talked at rather than related to.” This might not make the encounters any more meaningful for you, but then again it just might. I have a similar phobia about having film plots regaled to me. I always interrupt and say, “Sorry, I can’t bear film plots.” That’s an example of putting down a boundary. And never mind if they don’t like it, the encounter wasn’t working for you anyway.
You can also ask for what you want. You can say something like: “I have asked you three questions about you, I would now like you to repay the compliment and ask me something.” You are allowed to take up space and steer conversations into directions you are more interested in. You are also allowed to exit. If a date is boring, don’t waste your time. Mumble something about no chemistry and depart. If a date broadcasts at you, it’s a possible red flag.
Perhaps when you feel bored with others, you fear doing the same to them. There is always a risk we will bore other people when we steer the conversation to topics that interest us, but on the other hand how marvellous when we do chance upon what feels like a connection. But sometimes two people just don’t click because there is insufficient overlap for them to do so, it’s not that either of them were doing anything wrong.
For more information about how we connect, try The Book You Want Everyone You Love to Read, by me.
Every week Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
