Dear Vicky,
I’ve booked a hotel with two friends for the bank holiday thinking the cost would split three ways. But my two friends have fallen out and now one of them is not coming. ‘L’ left the group chat in anger and her last words were ‘I’m out’. L has written to me separately to say she has nothing against me, but didn’t mention what will happen with her share of the trip. We each booked our own travel, but shouldn’t she still pay for her share of the Airbnb?
Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I agree with you – your friend has a financial responsibility to pay and at the very least it would be appropriate for her to express concern about what happens with her share of the Airbnb so that you can consider options together.
But since she hasn’t done that you are now left in the awkward position with many things to consider. Are there other options? Do you wait for her to bring it up? Do you bring your friend into this too?
Firstly, considering that her pulling out of the trip has a financial impact on both you and the friend you’re still going with, any next steps you consider should be at least discussed jointly with her.
Before you approach L to make this request, explore other solutions. Is there another friend you might both want to bring along to the trip who could cover L’s share of the costs? Is cancelling that accommodation and finding a place for two a possibility? Either would resolve the financial concern and make it a very different conversation with L if you can simply approach her to inform her that she doesn’t have to worry about her share of the Airbnb since you both found a different solution.
I have had clients who in similar disputes have agreed to simply foot the bill in order to avoid conflict – and while this is a choice that you have, I would advise against it
If neither are possible, however, then approaching her to find a solution/compromise might be the best next step. I have had clients who in similar disputes have agreed to simply foot the bill in order to avoid conflict – and while this is a choice that you have, I would advise against it – particularly if it will stretch your budget and leave you feeling resentful.
You mentioned that you worry demanding payment might have a negative impact on your friendship with L (which has remained intact since you haven’t felt dragged into their conflict). So you will need to approach this carefully so she doesn’t feel she’s been ganged up against.
I would start with an open-ended question – something along the lines of, ‘I am sorry that things haven’t resolved between you and X and that the trip won’t be as planned. I did want to reach out to you to discuss the Airbnb payment.’
I would leave space there for her to respond. It might have been her intention to pay for her share – so give her an opportunity to say that at this stage. She might however respond saying she doesn’t feel she has to pay for it since she isn’t going. If that’s the response, then I would present to her the fact that you have tried to consider other options (to show your willingness to find an amicable solution) and add that you were hoping she’d understand that her pulling out has a financial impact on you. You can emphasise that booking something that involves a shared cost comes with a responsibility and sets an expectation in everyone’s mind about how much the trip will cost them.
I want to acknowledge that this may feel like a difficult conversation to have… many of us avoid conversations about shared costs because we don’t want to appear petty or create tension. However, silence can lead to resentment. Being clear about expectations, even when the situation is emotionally delicate, is part of honouring both the friendship and your own needs. Think of this not as a confrontation, but as a respectful clarification.
How L responds to this conversation will tell you a lot about her and even if the outcome is not what you wished for, you will have learnt something about how to engage with her in the future: maybe more clarity upfront or firmer boundaries will serve everyone better.
- Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk. Vicky’s book Money on your Mind is out now with Bonnier Books, £10.99.
